Vol. V — Livin’ Eid Up in Isolation
Welcome back to Weekly, Maybe, a non-ambitious newsletter by Christabelle, Avi, and Rara. Earlier this week, after dotting the i-s, crossing the t-s, and sending the final invoices, Rara and Avi officially began their Lebaran break so they can focus on eating good food and organizing family Zoom calls. In other words, we’re doing something a little different this week. Instead of stories from all three of us, you’ll be hearing from some of our friends. Katy joins us from her isolation Down Under, after the pandemic forced her to socially distance 3,000 miles away from home. We also called up our other friends in Jabodetabek to share memorable Eid stories from their childhood. Chris is here this week(!), with a list of gratitudes and not-so-lowkey Carly Rae Jepsen fangirling.
The three of us would also like to wish you Eid Mubarak and happy holidays. May the victory of Ramadan bring us forgiveness, gratitude, and perseverance to carry us through our days in isolation. Bring out the nastar and kaastengels!!!
Katy: Everything Grand
I find it hard to talk about self-isolation without letting people know how messy my life is at the moment. But the gist of it is: I’m stuck in Australia until further notice. What was only supposed to be a three-week stay has stretched into several months… and still counting. The international travel ban, cancelled flights, and withdrawn job contract back home had conspired to have me spend Ramadan (and now it seems like the rest of the year) in Brisbane.
Ramadan has always been synonymous to grandma’s house to me. This year is going to be the first Lebaran without my paternal grandmother, Mbah. She had passed last year, only a week before her birthday. I remember that a month before her death, my cousin tried to set up a video call on Lebaran so that Mbah and I could talk, but I forgot to call. The weight of my guilt still feels too much to bear from time to time, but I’m trying to forgive myself for it.
This year, I’m spending Lebaran with my boyfriend and his grandma, Carol, who have been the best people to isolate with. Grandmothers all over the world are the same: they know everything, say no to salesmen on the phone before they could finish a sentence, would eat anything with ginger in it, and would happily give you the humble reminder that you’re nasty if you forget to wash your bedsheets for the week.
I quickly found out that the best thing I can do for Carol is to walk her dog, Molly at 4 in the afternoon. Molly herself is a grandmother — 12 in human years, 64 in dog years. As a cat person my whole life, I’ve been learning a lot about dogs the past few months. Look, I think dogs are not normal. The fact that Molly gets so excited to go on a walk that she chokes herself nearly unconscious on her leash does not sit right with me. I love her spirit, but it’s deeply disturbing and I sometimes wish she would be a bit more chill.
Thanks to Molly, I’ve also been learning a lot about myself. I never really thought about myself as the kind of person who would pick up soft feces in public, but walking a dog has made me realize that I had the potential to be. I mean, it must be what unconditional love is. I felt emboldened when I first realized that nobody bats an eye when they see me, Molly’s leash on one hand, and a tiny see-through plastic bag with poop in it on the other. It was the first thing that made me think that handbags would look good on me. Who knew?
Thanks to Molly, I now know that some trees are worth stopping by, and some aren’t. And thanks to Molly, I am constantly reminded of what it feels like to make a grandmother smile.
Still, in the spirit of sharing…
We asked some friends of the newsletter to share their fondest memories of Eid. This little task requires them to walk down memory lane, all the way to — not just the holiday in the Before Time, but — Eid in a time where they didn’t know, or experience, shame and envy and societal pressure of any kind the way their adult selves do today. A period of pure bliss before their relatives, both the well-meaning kind and the nosy kind, felt the urge to point out what they’re lacking — an undergraduate degree, a graduate degree, a job, a better-paying job, a spouse, a child, a second child, and so on. Before the cousins grew apart, or more apart, and before all there’s left in the room is the pissing contest and/or awkward small talks. Specifically, we asked them to remember Eid in all its festivities and absurdity as the children they used to be. The results are funny, familiar stories that hopefully will warm your celebration, wherever you may be today, and remind you of the joy that it once was and can be. Enjoy!
Nadiya: Dulu, pasti ada aja yang nanya: “Puasanya ada yang batal, nggak?” Kalau puasanya full, biasanya diselipin duit. Dulu tuh duit Lebaran kok bisa sampai berjuta-juta gitu ya — apalagi dari keluarga Bokap. Nggak tau apa karena sekarang bapak gue udah pensiun atau karena ekonomi memburuk (??!) atau karena ya gue udah tua aja. Selain itu, dulu serumah sehat semua. Abang-abang gue juga masih tinggal di rumah. Jadi, sehari sebelum Lebaran tuh SERU BANGET. Semuanya kerja. Semuanya kena omel. Malam takbiran kami semua ngelipet serbet jadi bentuk angsa — biar besoknya sepulang salat Id kayak takjub sendiri. Yang paling nggak penting adalah, kami semua disuruh nyikat sudut-sudut ubin — tau kan, yang kayak item-item kena debu — sampai bersih karena katanya tamu-tamu bakal nilai kita ‘bersih’ apa nggak ya dari situ. Padahal mah, siapa yang merhatiin segitunya??? Kalau mundur lagi ke sebelum hari Lebaran, bahkan sebelum puasa, gue sama Nyokap pasti ke toko bahan. Beli bahan baju, terus nanti boleh jahit dengan desain sendiri. Tapi syaratnya harus KEMBARAN. Sekarang udah nggak jahit lagi…. Udah dari lama kami beli mulu di Thamcit. Kalau diinget-inget sekarang, jadi terharu. Dulu emang lebih niat dan kayak harus wow gitu lho… Suka sih gue, karena “hari raya”-nya dapet banget. Tapi karena mama gue udah tua kali ya, jadi dia jadi nggak semangat kayak dulu. Karena mama gue udah nggak semangat, sekeluarga jadi ikutan nggak semangat deh. Tapi, kalau soal makanan kami tetep semangat kok!!! Ya, meski nggak masak sendiri. Hehehe.
Dio: Jadi, karena keluargaku tergolong kecil (maksudnya nggak suka ngadain kumpul bareng keluarga besar), sekitar seminggu sebelum Lebaran aku sama adikku mulai direcokin Mama buat beli-beli bahan kue. Dicicil gitu belinya, termasuk nyicil beli daun kelapa untuk bikin ketupat. Nah, pas kayak udah mau dua hari menjelang Lebaran baru mulai olah adonan. Biasanya yang dibuat sama kayak keluarga lain sih: nastar, putri salju, kastengels. Papaku bikin bungkus ketupat. Sehari sebelum Lebaran, Mama mulai masak sayur buat pelengkap ketupat. Ini juga termasuk makanan olahan daging. Aku dan adikku ikut bantu masak, tapi biasanya proses ini sampe malem jadi mamaku begadang tuh. Aneh banget. Selain masak-masak itu, waktu SD aku tergila-gila sama tamiya — sampai SMA, sih. Jadi, pas masuk SMP aku udah jarang ada di rumah menjelang buka, biasanya ada di track tamiya Toko Terang, Bogor. Jaraknya dari rumahku sekitar sejam kali ya, kalau naik angkot. Saat itu bisnis warnet juga lagi di puncak kayaknya, banyak tawaran paket happy hour (bayar Rp10,000 main semaleman). Nah, pas lagi keranjingan tamiya dan warnet itulah — itu kayaknya kelas 3 SMP deh — aku sorenya main tamiya, dan pulangnya begadang di warnet. Rencananya begini: aku takbiran di warnet, selesai jam 5 pagi, pulang dan salat Id. Eh, ternyata aku ketiduran sampe siang bareng sama penjaga warnetnya (kebetulan udah akrab). Aku sampai rumah lewat tengah hari kayaknya, terus diomelin. Tapi tetep dipotongin ketupat, terus makan deh sambil diomelin. Hehe.
Meisya: Dulu pasti ngumpulnya sama para sepupu di depan TV, terus setelah rada siang namanya dipanggil buat antre ambil THR. Gue Lebaran di rumah Nenek, di Cirebon, dan rumahnya tuh toko gitu. Berasa banget Lebarannya karena siang-siang udah bisa ke toko terus ambil es krim. Rasanya spesial banget setelah sebulan puasa nggak bisa konsumsi apa-apa siang-siang. Makin gede makin merasa punya agency buat batal di luar rumah, jadi lepas dari Ramadan ya rasanya biasa aja — kecuali tahun ini, karena quarantine gue mesti puasa kalau nggak bisa nyelundupin GoFood ke kamar!!
Ichi: Malamnya nginep desek-desekan sama sodara di rumah Mbah Putri, bangun pagi banget, pakai baju muslim baru yang warnanya kembar sekeluarga, salat Id di halaman Bandung Supermall, sekaligus cuci mata karena biasanya banyak akang-akang yang bening hehe. Pas balik ke rumah Mbah, nggak boleh langsung makan karena harus nunggu sodara lain dan sungkeman, terus sungkeman deh, diurutin tuh dari yang paling tua sampai muda, terus dibisikin doa-doa seputar jadi anak soleh bla bla, terus biasanya Nyokap nangis karena, biasa, Cancer sensitif. Terus foto-foto dan pada makan deh, gue pasti 2 porsi huhu, dan yang paling gue inget adalah bubuk kacang kedelainya Mbah gue, terus pasti kekenyangan nggak bisa gerak, terus pasti kesel karena dipaksa buat ganti baju baru kedua yang bukan baju muslim (biasanya merk Felix atau Fido Dido) dan keliling-keliling ke sodara-sodara yang lain. Gue dari kecil kayak nggak cocok gitu sama budaya Jawa, segala basa-basinya, jadi beneran nggak ngomong dan nggak diajak ngomong juga, secara anak kedua. Sama sepupu-sepupu sebaya juga nggak nyambung, karena kebanyakan macho semua hehe. Jadi kayak formalitas banget ke sodara-sodara (yang namanya harus diingetin dulu sama Bokap sebelum sampai), dan cuma inget kue-kue yang beda di setiap rumah. Biasanya gue nggak sabar buat cepet-cepet pulang biar bisa nonton film-film Indo yang masuk TV.
$apringganti: Yang gue inget dari pengalaman Lebaran dulu itu salam tempel alias THR. Sebelum gede, gue dikasih duit setiap Lebaran lepas salat Id sama Nyokap karena udah puasa. Ada upahnya gitu, tiap tahun naik. Misalnya puasa sehari upahnya Rp1,000, nanti dikali sama jumlah hari gue puasa. Kalau puasanya full sebulan, dapet bonus. Kayak G0jek 😂. Gue mulai sadar gue udah gede itu pas suatu Lebaran gue nagih THR ke Nyokap, dan dia bilang, “Ye kamu kan udah gede, puasa udah kewajiban sendiri jadi nggak perlu lagi diiming-imingi duit.” Haha. Semenjak itu gue udah nggak pernah minta THR lagi ke Nyokap ataupun sodara-sodara karena malu, udah gede, walaupun belum gede-gede amat. Kayaknya itu SMP deh. Dulu tuh setiap malam takbiran perut gue ada kupu-kupunya, tapi itu mulai pudar pas gue SMA, karena udah gede dan udah berani bandel, dan akhirnya hilang pas kuliah, pas mulai mempertanyakan hal-hal.
Christabelle: Questions & Gratitudes
This week I was confused a lot. Existing, especially in these times, does that to you, I suppose. How many milliliters is one cup? I don’t own measuring equipment, so I eyeball my way to a crepe batter. My pictures — of the food, of the process — always turn out prettier than how I really feel inside when cooking: a nervous fool, lacking confidence, wanting approval, from my partner who kindly eats anything I cook, but most importantly, from myself. Was breakfast OK, or could I have done better with the potatoes? No one cares, quite literally, but my failures haunt me anyway.
The thing about wanting to do, be, think, head in the general direction of what is rightis I constantly feel defeated before even starting. No matter how many “whys” I ask myself to really get to the bottom of my desires and decisions — two things that often run contradictory to one another, sometimes to a point of sheer hypocrisy — I can never pin down a legitimate answer to wholeheartedly believe and wear on my sleeve. I think, maybe, I just wish I had more conviction. My crepe-flipping game certainly needs it. And maybe then, next time Rara asks what I think about the filter coffee she sent over, I would have the language to describe how good it is, use words I not only mean but know to be true.
Anyway. This week I wanted to do a list. A very basic one of gratitudes to remind myself of good I don’t have to question to fully embrace and believe, and because it seems like a nice thing to do as this year’s Ramadan comes to a close. My list:
I’m thankful for this five-day weekend, thankful I get to really, properly rest my mind from work.
I’m thankful for today’s (Saturday, May 23) 3pm sun, which felt nice on my skin during the short trip to my security post to collect Go-Food orders and, you know, online shopping stuff.
I’m thankful for care packages from friends and family, not just because they make me feel cared for and thought of, but because they really are delicious. They’ve been a much needed change from my own cooking. And amidst the palpable quiet and a heightened consciousness of myself, it was nice to get these little nudges of connection, hampers-cynics be damned.
I’m thankful for Spotify’s new Lyrics tab, which makes it easier to sing along to nearly any song and for Miro, for letting me document ideas and thoughts without the pressure of structure.
I’m thankful for this newsletter release, and especially thankful that I (a fire sign) get to do it with Rara (an air sign) and Avi (an earth sign). Can’t believe we have somehow managed to turn Weekly, Maybe into Weekly, Actually. Shifting from a title inspired by Carly Rae’s hopeful longing into one closer to the 10-part Brit romance? The stars are aligned.
Six is a weird number but this had to be here: I’m thankful Carly Rae Jepsen released Dedicated Side B. I needed it. The world needed it. I’m thankful for her music because it makes my heart soar. I’m thankful for her uncomplicated descriptions of love. For the way This Is What What They Say is like a person reaching for words and being OK with failing because what matters is the feeling, the real thing. Thankful for that half-a-second pause after “feels like…” where her thoughts trail off before landing on the perfect cliche that is “never gonna be the same” — is that not where romance’s best moments are lived? I’m thankful for the bangers that the new songs absolutely are, which made me think of how much I miss karaoke nights and the friends I want to be singing my lungs out with, which made me thankful for Rara and another friend, Fika, who dragged me out of my karaoke-deprived life a few years ago. There is something supremely comforting in the way Carly avoids the popstardom trope of self-reinvention and settles instead for self-repetition. I’m thankful for how little she cares that EMOTION, EMOTION Side B, Dedicated, and Dedicated Side B are words of longing and heartbreak sang again and again to a different tune. Sure I want Carly, a queen, to get what she deserves, but can I also selfishly wish for her to never get over whatever it is that fuels this energy? The kind that tells me it’s OK to just say or make, whether in small batches or in huge waves of repetition, the kind that tells me there is always space for what you feel. I am thankful for all of that.
Happy Eid, everyone!